Hiatus

Update: With the most pressing matters resolved or coming to an end soon, I’m turning my focus onto more long-haul personal problems. 

I’m going to be cutting back my online presence for a while to give myself the time and space I need to work on my mental state and health. I will still be checking email/Etsy every few days, and responding to necessary messages, but the shop will be closed for at least the next month. Over the next week, I’m going to finish fulling the remaining orders/shipments, and will send out the IndieGoGo perks mid to late September.

I’m debating whether I should attend AWA this year or not given my current state, but I’ll wait to see how I’m doing (both mentally and physically) closer to time to make that decision. There’s still 4 weeks to go, so depending on how stable I’m feeling by then I may still go. We’ll see.

Thank you, again, to everyone who’s been patient in dealing with me, and supported me the last several days. I understand I still have a long way to go; the crisis point my depression and anxiety have reached won’t be an easy fix, and I’ll likely struggle a great deal to forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made. I’m hoping between the hormone therapy and counselling I’ll be able to make some strides before too long, and resolve not only my mental instability but also my relationship with art.

This will be the last public update, for a while at least.
For full details on my hiatus:

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Hiatus

shycustis:

I’m going to be taking a break to try and sort myself out.
As I’ve posted before, I’ve had a crazy summer with a lot of bad luck, medically and otherwise. But something I haven’t been all too open with is the accumulating mental problems creeping up on me the last couple of years. There have been a few personal hardships that I’ve struggled to fully cope and move on from in that timeframe, and it’s been hard for me to juggle a lot of my responsibilities, both personal and professionally. 

Depression has been building up for a while now, and has been particularly hard to wade through since the beginning of the year. With the discovery of my hypothyroidism a few weeks ago, I wonder how much of it might (or might not be) attributed to that, but I can’t be certain until we find the right dosage of the medication and it takes full effect. 

My state of mind has been very bad. I have anxiety problems which are typically set off and peak under certain conditions/events, but have been a constant buzz for at least the past year. I’ve been debilitatingly troubled with my relationship to my art, and I’m not sure if the depression/anxiety is causing it, or if the creative struggles are what’s contributing to the depression. My recent medical conditions, and all our recent misfortunes (tree falling on the house, sudden and unexpected expenses, etc) have added a lot of stress to it all.

I have slipped in a lot of my business responsibilities. Customer service for our online sales have taken a drastic nosedive this year and I’ve been ill-attentive to questions and concerns. I’ve been making a lot of mistakes, everything from small things with shipping orders to large ones such as massive restocking/inventory flops. 

I have been mishandling big decisions, both personal and professional, and it’s gotten to a point that I have to back away from adding anything more to the pile so I can sort myself out. I myself am starting to wonder what all I might have gotten wrong without fully understanding it at the time, or what I might have overlooked. I’ve begun to feel very much like a child making choices I don’t have the right mind or the maturity to make.

For near a year, I have been getting a lot of questions about future compilation projects and haven’t responded to hardly any of them. The answer is; we will likely not be doing another one for quite a while, if not ever again. GhostBook was a real learning experience, and while I’m very proud of how it’s turned out, it was entirely overwhelming. I made a great deal of misjudgements in the amount of time the project would take to complete, compile, and send out. Additionally, managing the project was extremely taxing and I don’t know how soon I would be prepared to do it again. I’m burnt out and wonder if I’m cut out for it.
A foolish decision regarding an old project, GoreBook, has also recently been brought to my attention, and I am questioning my competency to be in charge of large projects all by myself at all. I clearly haven’t had the presence of mind or the foresight to keep track larger endeavours. 

This week has been a breaking point for me, with a lot of problems coming to a head. I’m feeling awful about myself, which I know is only paralysing, so I’m trying to step back and just get things set straight. I’m going to be closing our online shop for a month or so while I work on everything. All orders we currently have will be fulfilled (including preorders for pencil bags) and I will still of course be answering questions about purchases that have been made. People who contributed to the IndieGoGo will be getting their perks in September as promised. All customers, whatever form they might take, will be taken care of, I just can’t take any new orders and add to my to-do list for the time being.

I want to stress that none of this is an excuse for my recent shortcomings and mistakes. I should have stopped myself when the I felt things overwhelming me, and I didn’t. My absent-mindedness has gotten more and more debilitating, to the point I can’t even keep track of basic personal needs. I never should have let it get this bad, and I did, and didn’t seek help.

It’s not like me to be so publicly personal. I don’t feel like myself in any sense, and in a way I don’t feel like I even know what I am doing.
Tonight, I hit a breaking point with a personal matter, which compounded once a professional matter came up too, and my behaviour in conversations and with myself have been so alien since then I’m worried how detached I currently am. I also know most my loved ones aren’t aware of much of this. I’m an extremely private person, so I’m sorry if this turns out to be a big shock for any of you. I thought I could handle it and it would fade, so I’ve ridden along with it for almost 2 years.

EDIT: I’ve gotten over a dozen very kind messages/emails/reblogs, and I haven’t had the heart to reply to them individually, but I want to say thank you to every single one of you. Though I’m feeling so awful about myself right now, I was crying while reading the kind things you’ve sent; they feel like moments of hope that I can fix everything I’ve fucked up, both with myself and externally, and one day feel like a worthy person again. It’s not the sort of thing I thought would mean so much but it has been one of the few things to lift me even a little. Thank you.

eyjayyarts asked: hey i have hypothyroidism too and i hope getting medicine helps! it got me back some energy and relieved a little depression for me!! but i didnt lose weight :/

The extra energy would be great, oh boy haha.
I’m hoping maybe I’ll be able to lose some weight once I start treatment by busting my ass at the gym. I already eat pretty healthfully, but I’ve never been able to put off any weight, even when trying my hardest, so perhaps the meds will make that do-able for once.

Maaayybe the art-funk I’ve been in for a couple years now is (at least partly) due to the demotivating effects of hypothyroidism??? That’s what I’m hoping, at least, so I can try to get back up to my normal level of productivity once I start treatment! We’ll see, I guess.

tagged → #personal #eyjayyarts

shycustis:

shycustis:

shycustis:

13crownsstudio:

Coey & Shy’s Terrible Summer Fund and Shy’s Commissions

Hello, everyone!
Well, things have gotten so tight, we’ve had to swallow our pride and make an Indiegogo campaign to help us get back on our feet. The IGG page goes into detail, but the TL;DR is we’ve had so many unexpected and expensive bills between my trips (and probable future trips) to the hospital, the tree falling on the house and the damage it caused, and one of our cats needing surgery soon, that everything is backed up, financially. We can’t afford even basics for the time being, like restocking inventory for Otakon (which is in less than a month), getting the car fixed, down to basic bills which are going to start coming in soon.

The IGG campaign gives out thank-you cards, prints, stickers, and discounts to our Etsy shop. It’s difficult for us to stomach blatantly asking for financial help, so we tried to compensate any donations a bit, somehow.

Also I (Shy) am taking marker-coloured character-commissions through the IGG campaign for $50 (this includes shipping the piece to you). I’ve been thinking of taking some, anyway, so it just seemed to fit in as a perk for IGG. Here’s examples of my marker work.

Regardless of if you can contribute or not, it would be a HUGE help if you would reblog/retweet this to get word around. With our next con being still a month away, and a lot to pay for before it, We’re really in a bind!

Thanks so much to everyone who’s been so kind to us in the past, and for anyone who contributes or reblogs this IGG post!

We feel awful asking for help, guys, but if you’re able to chip in anything, or even just reblog, we would be extraordinarily grateful!

You guys are amazing thank you so much to everyone who’s already contributed or reblogged you are all so kind it’s hard to know what to say
T m T ♥♥♥

I apologise as I’ll probably be reblogging this another few times throughout the duration of the campaign. We need all the help we can get. @ m @

Thanks to everyone who contributed and reblogged, we’ve been able to pay two of our large bills! We still have a long way to go before we’re out of the frying pan, but we’re so grateful for being able to even take care of first two. You all are amazing!

I FINALLY GOT SOME MEDICAL RESULTS.

My gallbladder is malfunctioning, so surgery (and the big fat bills of surgery) are inevitable. Now it’s just trying to figure out how soon that might be. Apparently, we caught it in the early stages (not that it’s felt like “early stages”, thought I was fucking dying @ n @), so I have to see a specialist and/or surgeon to try and decide if to wait and what/how to monitor if we’re waiting.

Also, I HAVE HYPOTHYROIDISM THIS EXPLAINS A LOT OF THINGS. Everything from my weight to my fucked up periods is probably because of it. I’ve apparently had it for years and years, so god knows how they missed it in the 23987427 blood tests they did on me the last month and a half but it’s a thing and there’s a medicine so we’ll see how this goes.

So, I’M HAPPY FOR THE MOMENT TIME TO PARTY sort of

image

(^ Me & Coey)

thecheyennekidd asked: How big is your Shadow of the Colossus piece? The original and the print?

The original is about 18 x 30 I think?It’s been a while since I’ve even seen the original drawing, and don’t know where it’s been put or I’d measure it >___>

tagged → #thecheyennekidd

Valus (Shadow of the Colossus).
Collaboration with Coey, 2-ish years in the making. The final, and two detail shots of the raw drawing (jesso-ed paper, pencil, white pen).

Normally I don’t advertise prints on the posts for final pieces, but since we’re in such a pinch, here’s a link where anyone interested can buy a print of this!

Anonymous asked: hottie tottie rock'n body :UUUU

Would you get out of my askbox, Husband.

Pascal
I keep updating this one. I’ve always liked it a lot, and always want to bring it a bit closer to par with current work.

tagged → #pascal #OCs

'Nother WiP sneak peek of a long-in-the-making drawing. Was debating posting the whole thing but know I'd regret it later.

This is the raw scan- still needs a lot of cleaning up before finalising.

shycustis:

13crownsstudio:

Coey & Shy’s Terrible Summer Fund and Shy’s Commissions

Hello, everyone!
Well, things have gotten so tight, we’ve had to swallow our pride and make an Indiegogo campaign to help us get back on our feet. The IGG page goes into detail, but the TL;DR is we’ve had so many unexpected and expensive bills between my trips (and probable future trips) to the hospital, the tree falling on the house and the damage it caused, and one of our cats needing surgery soon, that everything is backed up, financially. We can’t afford even basics for the time being, like restocking inventory for Otakon (which is in less than a month), getting the car fixed, down to basic bills which are going to start coming in soon.

The IGG campaign gives out thank-you cards, prints, stickers, and discounts to our Etsy shop. It’s difficult for us to stomach blatantly asking for financial help, so we tried to compensate any donations a bit, somehow.

Also I (Shy) am taking marker-coloured character-commissions through the IGG campaign for $50 (this includes shipping the piece to you). I’ve been thinking of taking some, anyway, so it just seemed to fit in as a perk for IGG. Here’s examples of my marker work.

Regardless of if you can contribute or not, it would be a HUGE help if you would reblog/retweet this to get word around. With our next con being still a month away, and a lot to pay for before it, We’re really in a bind!

Thanks so much to everyone who’s been so kind to us in the past, and for anyone who contributes or reblogs this IGG post!

We feel awful asking for help, guys, but if you’re able to chip in anything, or even just reblog, we would be extraordinarily grateful!

You guys are amazing thank you so much to everyone who’s already contributed or reblogged you are all so kind it’s hard to know what to say
T m T ♥♥♥

I apologise as I’ll probably be reblogging this another few times throughout the duration of the campaign. We need all the help we can get. @ m @

POST-CON EDIT!
Added a few shots of badges I did at Anthrocon. I forgot to get photos of a lot of them, oops.
End edit 

Cruddy mobile photos of finished badges~
And some ink shots from Instagram.

Crow | Rummuck | Moth
Zebra (don’t know your Tumblr sorry!) | Aya | Ami

I’ll be taking badge commissions in the AC artist alley all three days for $25-30!

phantomseptember asked: Is the little white cat in some of your Little White and Little Dark storyline a nod to The White Cat fairy tale? Also… William Turny. I have your 2009/2010 collection and in one illustration, it is the left horn that is slightly broken, and in another it is the right. When facing him, which is the actually damaged horn? There also appear to be horn-like structures going down part of his back. Is that what those are? Since I'm asking tonnes of questions: what shade of green is his hair?

Though some story elements and characters in Little White & Little Dark are references to old fairy tales & nursery rhymes, the cats are red & blue (Red King & Blue Prince, respectively). I just leave them blank in a lot of the images. Since most Little White & Little Dark drawings are b&w or limited colour (1 2 3 4), adding the colour of the cats would distract from the main composition. (That is also the reason a lot of the times Little Dark was left white, because I couldn’t get her inversion to work with the composition.) The illustration with the picnic and apples, I managed to colour Red King since red’s the main colour, while I tucked Blue Prince back in with the trees so I wouldn’t have to colour him. Here’s a really old example of the character’s colours (and I mean old, like 5 years old).

Oh geez um… I don’t remember which of Will’s horns is canonically broken… Think I typically just draw whichever one happens to work best broken for that given drawing (and given the insubstantial nature of Will’s existence, it might not be then same side all the time). He’s also changed a lot since I first made him, as I’ve put in him Faust & Nywborn and changed his background a great deal. 
The spines on him are more like stiffer tendrils- almost like fingers, but they are more squirmy/bendy than fingers. You typically can’t see them because he wears a full-length, dark coat all the time, which obscures most of his bodily definition. His hair’s a olive or dull mossy green.

I haven’t drawn him in a longggg time, but there’s a few old things of him I managed to find:
image

This was a preview post. Here’s the final.

This was a preview post. Here’s the final.

Anonymous asked: are you a feminist?

This is a complicated question. The short answer:
Yes. And if you have objections with that I’m afraid you should unfollow me now.

radicalbytes:

I wrote an article attempting to identify some of the unearned benefits and privileges my fellow male gamers and I are afforded simply by virtue of being male. Please check out the full article in context over on Polygon.

  1. I can choose to remain completely oblivious, or indifferent to the harassment that many women face in gaming spaces.
  2. I am never told that video games or the surrounding culture is not intended for me because I am male.
  3. I can publicly post my username, gamertag or contact information online without having to fear being stalked or sexually harassed because of my gender.
  4. I will never be asked to “prove my gaming cred” simply because of my gender.
  5. If I enthusiastically express my fondness for video games no one will automatically assume I’m faking my interest just to “get attention” from other gamers.
  6. I can look at practically any gaming review site, show, blog or magazine and see the voices of people of my own gender widely represented.
  7. When I go to a gaming event or convention, I can be relatively certain that I won’t be harassed, groped, propositioned or catcalled by total strangers.
  8. I will never be asked or expected to speak for all other gamers who share my gender.
  9. I can be sure that my gaming performance (good or bad) won’t be attributed to or reflect on my gender as a whole.
  10. My gaming ability, attitude, feelings or capability will never be called into question based on unrelated natural biological functions.
  11. I can be relatively sure my thoughts about video games won’t be dismissed or attacked based solely on my tone of voice, even if I speak in an aggressive, obnoxious, crude or flippant manner.
  12. I can openly say that my favorite games are casual, odd, non-violent, artistic, or cute without fear that my opinions will reinforce a stereotype that “men are not real gamers.”
  13. When purchasing most major video games in a store, chances are I will not be asked if (or assumed to be) buying it for a wife, daughter or girlfriend.
  14. The vast majority of game studios, past and present, have been led and populated primarily by people of my own gender and as such most of their products have been specifically designed to cater to my demographic.
  15. I can walk into any gaming store and see images of my gender widely represented as powerful heroes, villains and non-playable characters alike.
  16. I will almost always have the option to play a character of my gender, as most protagonists or heroes will be male by default.
  17. I do not have to carefully navigate my engagement with online communities or gaming spaces in order to avoid or mitigate the possibility of being harassed because of my gender.
  18. I probably never think about hiding my real-life gender online through my gamer-name, my avatar choice, or by muting voice-chat, out of fear of harassment resulting from my being male.
  19. When I enter an online game, I can be relatively sure I won’t be attacked or harassed when and if my real-life gender is made public
  20. If I am trash-talked or verbally berated while playing online, it will not be because I am male nor will my gender be invoked as an insult.
  21. While playing online with people I don’t know I won’t be interrogated about the size and shape of my real-life body parts, nor will I be pressured to share intimate details about my sex life for the pleasure of other players.
  22. Complete strangers generally do not send me unsolicited images of their genitalia or demand to see me naked on the basis of being a male gamer.
  23. In multiplayer games I can be pretty sure that conversations between other players will not focus on speculation about my “attractiveness” or “sexual availability” in real-life.
  24. If I choose to point out sexism in gaming, my observations will not be seen as self-serving, and will therefore be perceived as more credible and worthy of respect than those of my female counterparts, even if they are saying the exact same thing.
  25. Because it was created by a straight white male, this checklist will likely be taken more seriously than if it had been written by virtually any female gamer.

image

IMPORTANT, NON-ART POST TIME.

This list hits so close to home. Every point’s a gut-punch reminder of mistreatment I and so many friends have endured. The final plunge from insult into disgust is #25; not disgust at the article or radicalbytes, but at how true it is.

I’m forward enough that I don’t get as much of the in-your-face sexist pushback I used to, but it’s been replaced by much more subtle acts of bias that are no less venomous. Sexism permeates the gaming community (and industry) so fundamentally women don’t have to be harassed or blatantly insulted to experience being the unwelcome company, being othered.

Very often, men will disregard me when talking about games. They focus on my husband, Coey, and any input from me is quickly dismissed or even ignored entirely. He has blatantly attempted to include me in conversations many times, even swing conversations over to me when the topic is more my area-of-expertise/genre/series, but it rarely sticks. This happens at conventions, gaming stores, plainly in public, even with people considered friends. At cons, we’ve had many be drawn to our booth by a piece of gaming fanart I made, but then I’m typically left out of the conversation I initiated. People assume the fanart must be my husband’s. When I reveal it’s mine, they’re surprised and even lose interest all together. Coey’s had people fawn over his gaming tattoos, but when he mentions [insert gaming tattoo I have that’s relevant to their convo] they have no interest. One of the most insulting parts is the marked difference of our treatment before and after he transitioned. Before he started identifying and passing as male, we were both regarded identically in these situations.

Those who do include me seem insistent on noting of how “special” I am. Remarks toward Coey’s on how lucky he is to have a wife who games. Surprised comments about how not many “girls” like [insert game series/genre/etc]. They’ll humour my opinions and comments on the community/industry, but take them with a grain of salt. Rarely is real effort or care put into considering what I have to say, until Coey backs me up.
I’ve been treated and received as one of the exceptions, in which I take no pride.

My experiences aren’t unique in the slightest.